Darkness in my mind
By: Yamuri (email@example.com)
Wherever I go I can feel the pain. It lives inside my heart and eats
my dreams. Once life was full of light, but now the path is dark.
Happyness I see on their faces, but I lost my memory of how it feels.
A long time ago, before I crossed all borders I was able to feel. At
least that's what my people tell. Could it be true? The only thing I
feel when trying to remember is loneliness. And when I think to much
about it the emptiness in my heart creates invicible tears that
freeze to ice. How long have I been living like this? How far can I
still go, seperate myself from everything and even forget how the
pain and hatress feels, that still possess my heart. Laughter fills
my mind, but it's laughter without emotion. And again I leave the
machine I've been living in for such a long time, to visit the secret
place where my body is still sleeping, dreaming an endless dream,
waiting untill I come back. Each time when I see the sleeping form I
feel the connection to my organic heart, not the one which I would
associate with my soul - a soul of darkness and void. Memories appear
in my mind. Maybe I should feel anything but I'm just some watcher.
Once there was a human who could make me memorize the time before I
left my body. He even made me wish to have those strange feelings
again, when being able to touch matter. What have they done to you?
Your own people....misunderstood what you tried to tell and killed
what would have been worth to live for. It drove me almost insane,
gave back to me the feeling of pure hate and aggression. Nevertheless
some part of me has always admired them. Those humans who can laugh,
cry, have fun instead of me. There's a lack inside of me, a lack of
emotions, feelings that died a long time ago. When looking in their
eyes you can still see happiness, in my eyes, if I had one, you can
only see boredom and a terrible void.
I know it has been myself who started the procedure, who wanted those
feelings to disappear. Emotions had always killed my people, had made
us to creatures of hell. We were powerful once, we still are. If my
people would still know our old abilities humankind wouldn't exist
anymore. Foolish humans who can't even dream of such powers. Ignorant
creatures that believe they're the most important beings in the
universe. Nothing they're, nothing more than us. We were like them.
That's why we almost killed ourselves. Following our stupid emotions.
Feelings like jealousy, grudge, hunger for neverending power and
whatever. There was a time we were able to reach a level of goddness,
or at least we thought. Did we really become higher beeings by
destroying our emotions, killing our past? Old books tell about our
history. People still remember and avoid making the same faults
again. Once more I laugh about them. I know that it doesn't matter if
we forget or if we remember. Our children know about the lack of
emotions inside me. They always feel it when theachers try to help
them memorize the history of their people. What shall it help I ask
myself? What should they associate with hearing those tales about old
days? They haven't experienced it, so they can never feel what it
felt when brothers and sisters were killing each other. Maybe some of
us will have a lot of fantasy and can imagine how it must have felt.
But be honest to yourselves, you can never feel what we felt when our
hearts were possessed by darkness. And there's just me, their leader
of whom they've forgotten. When calling my name I see fear in their
eyes. They know that however I decide, no emotions are behind it. The
darkness inside my mind makes the afraid of me. They can't see behind
it. That's what they have in common with humankind - their fear of
the unknown. Only me, I know how it is to look into the deathlights,
to look behind the unknown, to a place where you realize what abyss
means. And you see my people, history is repeating itself again. It
always does. Life isn't a line but a circle. You may think, what
happened before can't happen again, without knowing that fate will
never show you the same face. I'm falling apart. Your stories tell
that I seperated emotions from mind to avoid those terrible wars of
our dark past. Don't you see? We're doing it again. Whatever I've
done it had no effect, couldn't change. Our end will come soon I
suppose. It's their destiny to destroy us completely. Afterwards they
won't realize and see what they destroyed. One war follows the other.
Our lack of emotions can't help us, cause darkness fills our minds.
Humankind is to similar to us. If they destroy us they will destroy
parts of theirselves as well, even if their faces will show joy after
they achieved their pretended victory.
I wonder why I can't warn them, why I feel anything when thinking
about their future. To me nothing matters anymore. To many wars I've
seen, to many people died and with their deaths parts of my soul died
forever. Even the Star Sheriffs, whose aim is bringing back peace to
the universe, can't change that. Whatever they do, wherever they go I
can't feel empathy. Still some part of myself wishes someone would
come and give back what I've lost. Perhaps it could save our future
and theirs as well.