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Darkness in my mind
By: Yamuri (yamuri@lycos.de)


Wherever I go I can feel the pain. It lives inside my heart and eats my dreams. Once life was full of light, but now the path is dark. Happyness I see on their faces, but I lost my memory of how it feels. A long time ago, before I crossed all borders I was able to feel. At least that's what my people tell. Could it be true? The only thing I feel when trying to remember is loneliness. And when I think to much about it the emptiness in my heart creates invicible tears that freeze to ice. How long have I been living like this? How far can I still go, seperate myself from everything and even forget how the pain and hatress feels, that still possess my heart. Laughter fills my mind, but it's laughter without emotion. And again I leave the machine I've been living in for such a long time, to visit the secret place where my body is still sleeping, dreaming an endless dream, waiting untill I come back. Each time when I see the sleeping form I feel the connection to my organic heart, not the one which I would associate with my soul - a soul of darkness and void. Memories appear in my mind. Maybe I should feel anything but I'm just some watcher. Once there was a human who could make me memorize the time before I left my body. He even made me wish to have those strange feelings again, when being able to touch matter. What have they done to you? Your own people....misunderstood what you tried to tell and killed what would have been worth to live for. It drove me almost insane, gave back to me the feeling of pure hate and aggression. Nevertheless some part of me has always admired them. Those humans who can laugh, cry, have fun instead of me. There's a lack inside of me, a lack of emotions, feelings that died a long time ago. When looking in their eyes you can still see happiness, in my eyes, if I had one, you can only see boredom and a terrible void.
I know it has been myself who started the procedure, who wanted those feelings to disappear. Emotions had always killed my people, had made us to creatures of hell. We were powerful once, we still are. If my people would still know our old abilities humankind wouldn't exist anymore. Foolish humans who can't even dream of such powers. Ignorant creatures that believe they're the most important beings in the universe. Nothing they're, nothing more than us. We were like them. That's why we almost killed ourselves. Following our stupid emotions. Feelings like jealousy, grudge, hunger for neverending power and whatever. There was a time we were able to reach a level of goddness, or at least we thought. Did we really become higher beeings by destroying our emotions, killing our past? Old books tell about our history. People still remember and avoid making the same faults again. Once more I laugh about them. I know that it doesn't matter if we forget or if we remember. Our children know about the lack of emotions inside me. They always feel it when theachers try to help them memorize the history of their people. What shall it help I ask myself? What should they associate with hearing those tales about old days? They haven't experienced it, so they can never feel what it felt when brothers and sisters were killing each other. Maybe some of us will have a lot of fantasy and can imagine how it must have felt. But be honest to yourselves, you can never feel what we felt when our hearts were possessed by darkness. And there's just me, their leader of whom they've forgotten. When calling my name I see fear in their eyes. They know that however I decide, no emotions are behind it. The darkness inside my mind makes the afraid of me. They can't see behind it. That's what they have in common with humankind - their fear of the unknown. Only me, I know how it is to look into the deathlights, to look behind the unknown, to a place where you realize what abyss means. And you see my people, history is repeating itself again. It always does. Life isn't a line but a circle. You may think, what happened before can't happen again, without knowing that fate will never show you the same face. I'm falling apart. Your stories tell that I seperated emotions from mind to avoid those terrible wars of our dark past. Don't you see? We're doing it again. Whatever I've done it had no effect, couldn't change. Our end will come soon I suppose. It's their destiny to destroy us completely. Afterwards they won't realize and see what they destroyed. One war follows the other. Our lack of emotions can't help us, cause darkness fills our minds. Humankind is to similar to us. If they destroy us they will destroy parts of theirselves as well, even if their faces will show joy after they achieved their pretended victory.
I wonder why I can't warn them, why I feel anything when thinking about their future. To me nothing matters anymore. To many wars I've seen, to many people died and with their deaths parts of my soul died forever. Even the Star Sheriffs, whose aim is bringing back peace to the universe, can't change that. Whatever they do, wherever they go I can't feel empathy. Still some part of myself wishes someone would come and give back what I've lost. Perhaps it could save our future and theirs as well.


The End

2003 Yamuri. And don't forget to write her what do you think about this!