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By: J.J. (

He closed his eyes.
Much time was gone, too much.
He was alone in that abandoned hangar.
With his eyes closed he was listening the sound of his breath.
Out the temporal was pelting down.
Thunders alternated themselves to lightning.
Wind and rain were penetrating through the open door with the cold of the night.
A smell of wet added itself to the others present smells.
The nature was relieving itself.
The nature was crying.
He was keeping his self-control.
He had a goal.
He had to fight for to realize it.

"Uno in mezzo a tanti
E tanti in uno io, anche io,
Qui tra peccatori e santi
Io non sono mica Dio
Ma ho creato un sogno mio lì avanti."
("One among many
And many in one I, I too,
Here between sinners and saints
I'm not God
But I created a dream that is mine there forward.")

Now he was used to keep for himself his own problems.
To stay alone.
To fight and to choose by himself.
It was ended the time in which he was a simple cadet.
The time in which someone else chose for him.
From when he went away he didn't stop training.
He didn't pause even for a single second to improve his abilities.
He didn't want to be Nobody.
He wanted to be Someone.
He had a goal.
And he was determinate to obtain what he wanted.

"Io sto con me da tanto ormai,
Con i miei guai dentro i miei se,
Lavoro come un pazzo
a questa cosa e so che farmene."
("I'm staying with myself from so long now,
With my troubles and my what if,
I'm working like a madman
over this thing and I know what I will do with it.")

And it seemed someone had noticed his determination.
The Outriders noticed it.
Nemesis noticed it.
Not his people but an alien civility.
Isn't this ironic?
To be appreciated by some aliens who were trying to kill your race.
Some aliens who asked him to join them.
To betray his people.
Who didn't want him.
Should he accept?
Could he accept?

"La volta che tolgo stand-by
E mi dirò vai anche se
Non sono più un ragazzo
Per scappar di casa e andarmene."
("The time I will remove stand-by
And I will tell myself to go even if,
I'm not a boy anymore
For escaping from home and going away.")

The thought was tempting.
To go away.
To start again.
To leave a place where they didn't notice his ability.
And to go in another one.
Where he had the chance to show he was the best one.
To go away.
To start again.

"Uno sulla soglia
E voglia e frenesia che porta via
Dentro questa lunga veglia
vincere alla lotteria
Il riscatto da una vita spoglia."
("A guy on the threshold,
and longing and immoderate desire that takes away,
Inside this long waking
to win to the lottery
The redeem from an empty life.")

What had he there that should make him to give up on that chance?
No one.
Dead by long time.
But if he was keeping moving by months!
He was starting to hate that life without perspectives.
There was nothing.
Only loneliness.
That seemed to be destined to last forever.

"Io che non ho mai un'allegria
Monotonia dentro un oblò
Di questo inverno qui del cavolo
In cui vivo e morirò."
("I who never have an happiness
Monotony inside a port-hole
Of this worthless winter here
In which I live and I will die.")

From when he left the Cavalry Command it seemed he was falling in an abyss.
He realized too late he didn't do the easier choice.
Not that this really mattered.
If he could restart all again he would do the same choice.
It was just...
He entered in a way without exit, without perspectives.
Without a welcoming place he could call home.
Without satisfactions.
Without hopes for the future.
His life returned to be a long fight for survival.
And the worst part was...
He was getting used to it.
As if a side of him was giving up about having something more.

"Io che non so tirarmi via
dalla periferia in cui sto
Perché all'inferno sì
Anche il diavolo non è un cattivo no
Ma per molti è un po'
Un eroe positivo."
("I who don't know to drag myself away
from the suburb in which I stay
Because in hell yes,
The devil too isn't a bad guy, no, he isn't
But for many he is
A positive hero.")

But a side of him didn't give up.
A side of him didn't accept to stay quiet, closed in a corner, hidden and scared.
A side of him was plotting to go away.
To obtain again what he lost.
A side of him didn't miserably adapted to that situation.
A side of him was alive.
And it was thinking how to obtain what it wanted.
It wanted the freedom.
It wanted the power.
That life was a prison.
And the Outriders could offer to him the key for getting out of it.

"Vero è vero che ogni dì è un addio
Che si muore tra un avvio e un rinvio
Do motore al mio mistero
Di straforo chiuso a spranga
Questo è il mio lavoro nero
Viaggiatore fermo dentro un hangar."
("True, it's true that each day is a goodbye
that it dies between a start and a postponement
I give the start to my mystery
Secretly closed with a bolt
This is my black work
Traveller stilled inside a hangar.")

His mind returned again back to that past that couldn't return.
The Cavalry Command.
He couldn't say he acted in a social way while he was there.
He knew no one of his old ex-classmates, no one of his old ex-officers now was missing him.
But he had been the number one inside there.
He worked hard.
He gave the best of himself.
And he went away.
He betrayed his classmates.
Without big troubles.
Without big remorse.
For her.

Uno che sta zitto
O un guitto che non sa che parte ha
Un trasvolatore o un dritto
Fra il coraggio e la viltà
Vivo in te ma non pago l'affitto.
("A guy who stays silent
Or a boy who doesn't know what role he has
A flyer or a smart guy
Between courage and cowardice
I live inside you but I don't pay the rent.")

It was a first sign love.
She was beautiful.
And he... he had been fascinated by her.
Prisoner of her blue eyes.
Prisoner of her blond hair.

"A te che sei la fantasia
Nell'asfissia dei cieli miei
Tu sei la sola cosa nobile
Nei miei giorni plebei."
("To you who are the fantasy
In the asphyxia of my skies
You're the only noble thing
In my plebeian days.")

He wanted her for himself.
Only for himself.
He would keep her safe, protect her, adore her like a goddess, not show her to anyone.
She refused his love.
She refused him.
And he went away confidant that in this way he would attract her attention.
It didn't work.
He continued to not exist for her.
To be Nobody.
He didn't want to be Nobody.
He wanted to be important.
He has nothing for now.
This could be his chance to obtain at least two wishes on three.
It wasn't bad.
He couldn't back up.
He didn't want to.
He would go on.
For April.
For himself.

"Perché tu sei la mia eresia
In questa idolatria agli dei
Potrò lasciarti sposa immobile io che non ho trofei
Dentro i miei musei
Nei tornei che non ho vinto."
("Because you're my heresy
In this idolatry to the gods
I will be able to let you unmoved bride, I, who have no trophies
Inside my museums
In the tournaments I didn't win.")

He freed the BadLander from the curtain that was covering it.
The polish black of the surface shined and reflected his figure.
It too wanted to go away.
To fly away toward a new life.
New ambitions.
New chances.
There, it was nothing more than an object in a deposit.
And it seemed out of place between those old and forgotten things.
New in an old world.
It wanted freedom.
To fly high without no one being able to reach it.
To let all surprised and admired.
It wanted to go.
The BadLander wanted to go away.
He wanted to go away.
For following his dreams and his ambitions.
Free from bonds.

"Certo o incerto che ogni dì è un addio
Che ripeto tra un avvio e un rinvio
Ho coperto il mio segreto
Con un telo dentro un hangar
Me ne andrò un mattino quieto
Senza che nessuno pianga."
("Secure or insecure that each day is a goodbye
That I repeat between a start and a postponement
I covered my secret
With a curtain inside a hangar
I will go away in a quiet morning
Without no one crying.")

He entered inside it and savoured the comfort of the driver place.
He closed his eyes while he was breathing the scent in which the spaceship was imbued.
A good scent.
Of freedom.
He set in action the engines.
He felt that minimal vibration that was running through the spaceship.
The BadLander was fretting.
It was fretting for the wish to go away.
It was anxious to make its first fly.
And he too was anxious to fly away.
It was a good sensation.
He savoured it for another moment.
He didn't turn back while he was leaving the hangar and was fling high toward the sky.
He didn't turn back while he was rising always higher leaving that world.
He was flying toward the realization of a dream.
He was flying toward the moment in which he would obtain what he wanted.
Only this mattered.
The future that was waiting for him.

Il domani di ogni di è un addio
che mi segno tra un avvio e un rinvio
Mentre lucido il mio sogno
che mi spinge giù a valanga
Dentro un ruvido bisogno
Di lasciare un giorno questo hangar.
("The tomorrow of each day is a goodbye
That I sign between a start and a postponement
While I polish my dream
Who push me down like a avalanche
Inside a rough need
To leave this hangar one day.")

Author notes:
Another short story about the moment in which Jesse chose to join the Outriders. By the way the song seemed to me fit for Jesse. Sorry if the song doesn't make a lot of sense. It was veeery hard to translate it. It has a wonderful text that sound great in Italian but... well in another language I don't know how much is understandable...

The End

"Hangar" © Claudio Baglioni - from the album: "Viaggiatore sulla coda del tempo"
© 2000-2003 J.J.. And don't forget to write her what you think about this!